This evening, at the conclusion of our religious education classes at our church, one little boy was left waiting to be picked up. Five minutes passed, then ten. Ten became fifteen, fifteen became twenty, and twenty became twenty-five. Finally, his grandfather came to the door thirty minutes after classes had ended and all the other students had gone home. Sadly, there wasn’t an apology or thank you...only a nod of acknowledgement after I reminded him to be on time for pick-up.
Conversely, the student was very polite and appreciative of our
patience. In between his phone calls
home to see who was going to pick him up, we had a great conversation about
school, shopping, and the importance of good hygiene. To his credit, the 10 year-old was not scared
or worried, and he gave me a sincere “Thanks for waiting with me” when he was
leaving...in stark contrast to his grandfather.
While grateful for the time and chat, I felt sad that he had to wait
(and not just because he had to talk to me...haha) – it felt like he was abandoned – even for a short time.
It got me thinking about times that we abandon teens in our youth ministry.
A couple of qualifications here: I’m aware that there are different
ways to define “abandon”, but for these purposes I will focus on its meaning as
leaving or forsaking something or someone.
Furthermore, I’ll be looking at more figurative examples as opposed to
literal ones: thankfully I’ve never left
a teen somewhere...at least to my knowledge. :p
Here are three ways that we may abandon teens:
1. When we get intimidated or uncomfortable. Reaching out to certain teens isn’t easy; in
fact it can downright frightening. Quite
often, we jump to conclusions about people (all people and not just teens) whether
it’s how people dress, talk, act or choose to hang around with. As youth ministers, it’s vital to recognize
when we are doing this and to fight through it and not let it affect our
ministry.
It certainly is tricky. For instance,
I’ve ministered alongside some really great youth leaders who “favoured”
certain teens (to varying degrees); and because of the time and attention, some
of them have grown up to be outstanding leaders in their own right. I know that I’m guilty of this as well – I
admit that it’s much easier to spend time with those who seem to make ministry
easier for us. However, I often lament the teens that slipped
through the cracks of my parish youth ministry because I or other leaders
simply didn’t take the time to connect with them or to stretch out of our comfort
zones. I just pray that someone else was
able to do what I didn’t do.
2. When they “let us down”. Often
in youth ministry, we put a lot of hope and faith into the teens we minister to
and with (as we should). We may try to
live vicariously through them or we may see a younger version of ourselves in
them. Thus, we may expect them to act a
certain way, to speak using certain language, or to make certain
decisions. But what happens when they
don’t do what we want them to do?
Logically, the best answer is that we should stand by them and guide
them through the said situation by providing a prudent level of guidance and
support. However, I’ve seen it go the
other way as well: youth leaders who get
frustrated or disappointed with the teens to a point where it compounds the
problem. They may use words such as “I’m
disappointed in you” or “I hope you learned your lesson”.
Speaking from experience, it’s ridiculously easy to put too much
pressure on young people. They already
have enough pressure on them: from their parents, school, job, peers, media,
society, and more – they certainly don’t need a youth minister breathing down
their neck too. We are called to love
young people despite their (and our own) imperfections. How we react in the face of adversity (theirs
and ours) says a lot about our character.
Teens need us to love them and not to judge them.
3. When they abandon us. How good
are we at seeking out the lost sheep? Or
are we so wrapped up in our programs that we forget about people? When it comes to relational ministry, we need
to accept that a lot of times it is going to feel like it’s only going one
way. That is, we may initiative all of
the contact and show up at all the sporting events and concerts only to have
the young person not show up to our youth ministry gatherings.
I liken it to the age-old dilemma of birthday party or wedding invitations. It doesn’t make any sense to use the thinking
of “I will invite them only if they invited me to theirs’ first”. Because if both sides subscribed to that
theory, no one would make the first move!
Same goes for our youth ministry: we can’t water down our relational
ministry efforts if it seems like the commitment isn’t being reciprocated. In fact, it should be the exact opposite:
that’s the time to ramp things up!
Remember, youth ministry should be about people and not programs. We should be interested in souls and not
attendance. If we are firmly committed
to this, we won’t need to worry about abandoning teens.
Clayton
Imoo is husband to Gail and father to sons Sean Isaiah and Jacob
Isaac and daughter Kayla Marie. He has served as the Director of
the Office of Youth and Young Adult Ministry of the Roman Catholic
Archdiocese of Vancouver for the past ten years. Learn more about
him at http://www.claytonimoo.com or follow him @claytonimoo
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