Married versus Single in Youth Ministry (Part 2: Obstacles)

Last week, we looked at the advantages of both marriage and singleness in youth ministry. Marriage and singleness are gifts from God, but they each have some unique obstacles, boundaries, and struggles.

Here are some ministry obstacles to being married:

-Your time and responsibilities are divided. Paul makes this claim in 1 Corinthians 7: "But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided." As a married man with two children under the age of 5, I can totally attest to this: to be a good dad and husband, I have to say "no" to certain ministry responsibilities or opportunities for the sake of my family. It's not that loving my family isn't "the Lord's work" (it absolutely is!), but it does mean that my time and energy and resources are split between more people. Even with finances, it becomes more difficult. When I was single, it didn't matter how much I was getting paid to do ministry; I was *getting paid* to do ministry! Now married and a father, I need to be thinking of how to take care of my family financially, meaning certain jobs and opportunities can't be pursued.

-"Affairs" with the ministry. Related to the divided interests, if a person in ministry is giving more of their time and energy to their youth ministry, they end up hurting their marriage and parenting, potentially causing resentment and spiritual struggles for their spouse and children. My wife pointed this out to me the other day: if I had any other job where I was overly committed, she and the kids could feel resentment towards that job or industry--if I was a banker, she could resent banking; if I was a filmmaker, she might not like movies as much. With ministry work, the difficulty is this: if my spouse and children resent my job due to my over-commitment, they end up resenting God, Christianity, and the church. It wasn't banking or filmmaking that made Daddy miss the special birthday or anniversary--it was God. This means that I need to have healthy boundaries and know when to step back from my ministry responsibilities for the sake of my family.

Here are some ministry obstacles to being single:

-Perception of being "less experienced" or "less mature." This one feels a bit unfair, but we know it's true. Some churches won't hire single people due to this perception, and at some point we've made this assumption about a single person in ministry. Even though the average age for getting married is on the rise (currently somewhere around 27 years old), and some of the greatest biblical heroes were single, many youth workers are perceived as less mature due to their single status, not to mention that our vocation involves hanging out with teenagers a lot. A single person simply cannot speak about marriage and parenting with the same level of experience. Marriage still remains a cultural marker for adulthood in our society, particularly within the Christian world.

-The potential awkwardness of dating. It could be difficult to be in youth ministry and pursue romantic interests, particularly if the person is part of your church or ministry. Your dating habits are on display for the teens you disciple, for better or for worse. If you break up with someone, it's a bit more public than other people. You're a model for Godly singleness, which carries a certain responsibility. (This is an even greater responsibility for married people, as you're an example of a Godly marriage.)

-No sex. Let's be honest: this is a bummer. There is a potential increase in loneliness and sexual temptation due to a lack of sexual intimacy and the "burning with desire" that Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 7. Not that married people can't struggle with these, but when the possibility of sexual intimacy is VERY limited for a single person, it's certainly an issue.

Whether you're married or single, consider your current relationship status a gift from God and a unique position for you to love young people in the name of Jesus!

Joel Mayward is a pastor, writer, husband, and father living in Langley, British Columbia. He’s been serving in youth ministry since 2003, and is currently the Pastor of Youth and Young Adult Ministries at North Langley Community Church. A writer for numerous youth ministry publications and author of Leading Up: Finding Influence in the Church Beyond Role and Experience, Joel writes about youth ministry, film, theology, and leadership at his blog, joelmayward.blogspot.ca.

Married versus Single in Youth Ministry (Part 1: Advantages)

Photo Credit: J. McPherskesen (Creative Commons)

Marriage is a gift. When God created Eve, Adam broke into song, and we have the first instance of human poetry:

“At last!” the man exclaimed. 

   “This one is bone from my bone,     

and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’  

   because she was taken from ‘man.’” 

This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. (Genesis 2:23-24, NLT)

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul writes this about marriage and singleness:

But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. 

I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. (1 Cor 7:7-8; 32-35, NLT)

Marriage is a gift. So is singleness. So how do these different gifts affect our calling in youth ministry? What are the advantages and disadvantages of each gift? And how can we steward these gifts for the glory of God?

This week, we'll look at the advantages and benefits of both marriage and singleness. Next week, we'll unpack the disadvantages and obstacles.

Here are some ministry advantages to being married:

-You have a partner in life and ministry. My wife is my biggest advocate, cheerleader, encourager, and source of wisdom in ministry. She can disciple young women infinitely better than I ever will. We also navigate everyday life together, and we'll always have someone who loves us and has our backs, even during the hard times in ministry. Doing this Jesus-following thing together is always better than doing it alone, and marriage is one of the best environments for sanctification.

-Perceived maturity and greater level of commitment. Whether we like it or not, in our Christian subculture there is a perceived maturity that comes with the status of marriage. A married 24-year-old is viewed differently than a single 24-year-old, and many churches and organizations are willing to give more responsibility to a married person than a single person. There is some truth behind this perception: a married person reveals they have the ability to make a commitment, to follow through on things, to work together on a team, and to navigate conflicts. Of course, there are mature and committed single people, and some great biblical examples (read: Jesus).

-Modeling healthy marriage and parenthood. The young people I disciple can look to my marriage and parenting as an example of a Godly marriage. Not that our marriage is perfect; that's the point, actually. We invite them to see us, flaws and all. Many in single-parent and divorced homes don't have great pictures of what a healthy marriage can look like, so offering stories and experiences can be a huge benefit for young people.

-Boundaries factor: my ring says "off limits." Where a young single guy or gal in ministry could send the wrong romantic signals to a teenager or young adult, my wedding ring and presence of my wife and children tells others that I'm not available. Sure, I still have to maintain healthy boundaries in my interactions and guard my heart and marriage; it's just simpler at times when I'm perceived as the old married guy, particularly with single young adults.

Here are some ministry advantages to being single:

-More availability. Being single means having less familial responsibilities, allowing for more freedom in the use of one's time and energy. A single person has a greater ability to be spontaneous and impulsive in the best sort of way. The students want to go see the midnight showing of that new movie? Done. Your adult volunteer team is having lunch after church services? I'm there. They need one more person to go on the missions trip to Uganda? Sign me up. Married people have their spouse's interests to consider. Like Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7, a single person can devote themselves to the ministry of the Lord without having their interests divided. Can you imagine Paul doing his missionary journeys with a family, either traveling with him or back at home in Israel somewhere?

-Modeling healthy singleness. As a married guy, I won't be able to model a healthy lifestyle of being single and content in the Lord. I can only speak from past experience, so it's really cool to have a volunteer leader in my ministry like Rachel, who recently wrote this awesome blog post for Converge Magazine. She's not perfect--she'd never claim to be--but she's doing her best to pursue God as young single woman, and that's a great example for the young women she is shepherding!

-Jesus was single. So, if you're single, you're more like Jesus! (Apart from the whole "church as the bride of Christ" metaphor.)

What are other advantages you can think of, either for married or singleness in youth ministry? Share them in a comment!

Joel Mayward is a pastor, writer, husband, and father living in Langley, British Columbia. He’s been serving in youth ministry since 2003, and is currently the Pastor of Youth and Young Adult Ministries at North Langley Community Church. A writer for numerous youth ministry publications and author of Leading Up: Finding Influence in the Church Beyond Role and Experience, Joel writes about youth ministry, film, theology, and leadership at his blog, joelmayward.blogspot.ca.

Clarifying Expectations

I firmly believe that the biggest source of conflict in ministry is unclear expectations.  When expectations aren't clarified, it leads to confusion, hurt, miscommunication, and distrust.

There are countless stories of youth minsters doing their best, but not necessarily doing with their pastors or church leadership want them to.  All because the expectations were never articulated.

Here's a quick story of how my wife Gail and I didn't have clear expectations of each other with respect to household chores and general disposition.  Gail's "list" for me ultimately strengthened our marriage!




Clayton Imoo is husband to Gail and father to sons Sean Isaiah and Jacob Isaac and daughter Kayla Marie.  He has served as the Director of the Office of Youth and Young Adult Ministry of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Vancouver for the past ten years, helping parishes develop their own youth and young adult ministries.  When not doing ministry, Clay enjoys spending time with his family, playing music, playing sports, playing naptime, and writing blogs on topics such as family, faith, and the Vancouver Canucks.  Learn more about him at http://www.claytonimoo.com or follow him @claytonimoo