Leadership Posture and Tone

Photo Credit: texasgurl (Creative Commons)

If you have a piano, take a minute and pick out two keys, one black and one white directly adjacent to each other. Pound on those keys as loudly and quickly as possible. You'll probably give yourself a headache from the painful sound emitting from the keyboard. You've just created auditory tension. 

Now, keep one finger placed on a white key, then shift the other to the key exactly one octave higher. The harmonious sound will ring true in your ears (as long as the piano is in tune!). This has been a basic lesson in tone and harmony, and there's a ministry leadership lesson to be learned in this:

How I speak matters as much as what I speak. McLuhan put it this way: the medium is the message. 

Colossians 4 puts it another way: 

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. 

My communication should be wise, patient, and full of grace and empathy. 2 Timothy 4 speaks of correcting, rebuking, and encouraging with great patience and careful instruction. (Key phrase: with great patience.) James 1 tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

If what I am saying to you is 100% true and beneficial for you, but my tone and posture are ones of judgment, condemnation, or self-centered frustration, then I am adding the static of arrogance to my message. I come across as quick to speak and anger, while forgetting the patience required for listening and being present. On the other hand, if my posture and tone are gracious and gentle, yet I cannot speak without conviction or truth, then perhaps my message isn't worth hearing in the first place.

Think about how you're communicating with fellow leaders in your church / ministry / team. Tone matters. If the medium is the message, then how we approach a fellow leader in our communication is just as important as the information we're sharing. A sarcastic, whiny, or passive-aggressive vocal tone is creating unnecessary relational withdrawals. Leaders of organizations don't need whiners; they need people who can communicate the truth in a humble-yet-confident manner. Communicate verbally with a tone of grace and clarity, finding a healthy balance between boldness and subtlety.

Healthy communication also includes physical presence. Slouching in staff meetings, walking brusquely by offices without greeting, or avoiding eye contact all send a negative message. If I'm chatting with someone and they've positioned their body away from me, looking like they want to leave at any moment, I'm less apt to share with them. Shift your emotional state by shifting your physical state. Being physically and mentally present with fellow leaders fosters trust and healthier communication.

Ask yourself: what messages am I sending through my tone and posture? Even if the content of your message is filled with grace and love, your tone and posture might be communicating something entirely different.

--

B.C. Youth Workers: Open Vancouver is coming to Trinity Western University on September 26-27. Check out the Open manifesto, send a proposal to be a presenter, and contact the organizing team with any questions!

Plums and Pills

(This post originally appeared on The Mayward Blog)

I was recently chatting with a great ministry friend about an upcoming transition for him into a new pastoral role. He's headed to a church where my wife and I are quite familiar with the church's history, and he found it fascinating and enlightening to hear the stories of leadership transitions and cultural dynamics of the church. I remember having similar conversations with leaders of my church, learning about the history behind programs and roles and values.

The past is always present. 

I'm learning this truth both from a personal and leadership perspective. History matters. You see this in families as generational habits, health, and dysfunctions are passed down from grandparents to parents to children. Every individual person is a chronicle, a composition of events and encounters and experiences and moments in time, captured in memory.

So it is with church systems.

Every church system's history has shaped its present ethos, culture, habits, and practices. You and I recognize the impact a person's past has had on an individual, but often overlooked is the long-term impact of a organization's past, going beyond the immediately previous generation of leadership. Our connections to the past are long and deep, and institutions don't change easily. Roots can run deep, for good or ill. Organizations have personalities, too.

In his exemplary book on leadership, A Failure of Nerve, Edwin Friedman identified two types of systems present in clergy:

1. Churches that maintain the same happily content pastors/leaders for 20+ years are plums. 
2. Churches that churn out (and burn out) leaders every few years (or months) are pills.

Friedman claims that every church leader who stays around long enough in the area or denomination knows which churches are which. Plum means "a highly desireable attainment, accomplishment," something marvelous and first-class. Pill refers to something tedious or unpleasant, particularly a painful necessity.

Friedman writes: "I know of no hierarchical executive (bishop, district supervisor, executive, placement coordinator) who has ever succeeded in changing a pill into a plum." He continues: "The leadership lesson for a new clergyperson or executive is that without well-differentiated leadership, the past dysfunctions of a 'pill' congregation can make a newly arrived leader ineffective as well."

Whether serving at a plum or a pill, any new leader in an organization must grow in self-differentiation to have a deep sense of self in the midst of a swirling organizational history. Your successes and failures may have less to do with your own leadership capacity and more about the organizational history of your church system. If you're currently leading in a "pill" church, knowing where your identity begins and ends is vital to staying in long-term ministry, particularly when everything feels like an uphill battle.

Here are a few conversations you can have to grow in understanding the history of your church:

• Ask the lead pastor, elder or deacon board chairman: what have been three significant positive moments in our church from the past 10 years? Three significant negative moments?
• Ask the person who formerly had your job: what was most life-giving and most life-draining about being in this role? Describe two or three stories that capture a snapshot of your experience in the role.
• Ask volunteers in your particular arena or department: if you describe our ministry as a human being, what characteristics, traits, and values would they have? Create a personification of our ministry.
• Ask two or three local ministry leaders outside of your church: describe your perception of [your church] in three words, positive or negative.
• Ask two or three local business/school/community leaders outside of your church: describe your perception of [your church] in three words, positive or negative.

Do you know your church's history from the past 5-10 years? Are you aware of past leadership struggles and successes? Do you  the origin of prominent programs and sacred cows? What are the pills and plums in your context?

Growing in Spiritual Cycles

The Christian life isn't linear. Our spiritual growth doesn't move in a straight line, like a steady arrow aimed in an upward trajectory from "less mature" to "more mature." Sure, most of our youth ministry programs and discipleship methodologies are set in a linear or funnel-like fashion (come, grow, go). But real life doesn't work this way. It's more like a long hike up a mountain, filled with turns and switchbacks, flat plains and steep climbs. Sometimes it looks like we're moving downward or away from our destination, when the path is leading us away from an impending danger. It's an individual journey, and rarely do linear one-size-fits-all spiritual growth models foster the kind of discipleship we long for.

Our spiritual growth moves less in straight lines and more in cycles. Walter Brueggemann's insightful little book, Spirituality of the Psalms, offers a framework for how this cyclical spiritual formation works through the lens of the Psalms:

Orientation: This is a sense of peace and contentment with God. Spiritual growth and practice almost feels easy--prayer works, reading the Bible feels alive, worship is passionate, there is unity with fellow believers, an eagerness to follow Christ. Many brand new believers or students at the end of a summer camp or missions trip experience this elated orientation. Christianity feels like a new and exciting endeavour. For the Israelites, these orientation Psalms reflect experiencing the blessings of the promised land, of being right where God wants them. Yet lingering in orientation for too long can lead to a sort of spiritual apathy; we begin to take God's blessings and presence for granted, and the cycle moves to a new stage.

Disorientation: All is not well in disorientation. There is the introduction of pain, trials, doubts, and frustrations. This is the letdown after the summer camp is over, the onset of a season of suffering. Prayer is tedious, reading the Bible is a chore (if it even happens), worship is lifeless, and one feels isolated and alone. God feels distant and aloof, even unjust in His actions. This causes us to lament, to cry out to God in anger and sorrow. Disorientation tends to be an inner response to an external circumstance--a loss of status, a broken relationship, financial difficulty, the weightiness of ministry, death or disease, etc. This is being led out of the promised land into exile; we feel far away from the security of home. Thankfully, God is present with us throughout this painful season, though it doesn't feel like it. He is walking with us in the valley of the shadow of death.

New Orientation: At some point, one emerges from the valley into the light, coming out of the pain and isolation with a renewed sense of peace, gratitude, and trust in the Lord. This feels like returning home after a long journey, only one's heart and mind will never be the same after one's harrowing experience of disorientation. It is like Israel coming back to rebuild Jerusalem after being in exile for so long. This new orientation only stays "new" for awhile. Then it slips into the comfort and security of orientation, which lasts only until the next doubt or trial or emotional turmoil fosters disorientation once again. And so the cycle continues.

When I first heard about this framework from a spiritual director, it was in the middle of a personal season of orientation. Unbeknownst to me, I was on the brink of disorientation--broken relationships, physical pain and struggles, culminating with the near-loss of my infant son. God led me through the pain--not around it, not away from it, but through it--to draw me into a deeper relationship with Himself. It turns out He's been doing this since the beginning--read the stories of Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, Job, Jonah, and even Jesus, and you'll see this spiritual cycle.

There are two paradoxical struggles which arise in the cycle: first, we don't like the shifts, the "arrows," the changes from orientation to disorientation or from disorientation to new orientation. We don't like change. Yet we also struggle with being present in our current season--if we're in disorientation, we want to get out of the pain; if we're in orientation, we're worrying about when the season of disorientation is coming for us. We don't like being present. Paradox, I know.

The key is to recognizing the season you are currently experiencing and embracing it as God shapes your heart through this journey.

Where are you right now? Where are your students, your children, your spouse? How can you be fully present in the season God has you in?

Joel Mayward is a pastor, writer, husband, and father living in Langley, British Columbia. He’s been serving in youth ministry since 2003, and is currently the Pastor of Youth and Young Adult Ministries at North Langley Community Church. A writer for numerous youth ministry publications and author of Leading Up: Finding Influence in the Church Beyond Role and Experience, Joel writes about youth ministry, film, theology, and leadership at his blog, joelmayward.blogspot.ca.

Humble Confidence vs. Insecure Pride

Leaders have two seemingly-paradoxical postures as they lead. The first is the paradox of insecure pride. The insecurity comes from a personal anxiety, a self-doubt that comes across as a deflated or detached leadership. It is feeling unsure about oneself and what you offer as a leader to others. Connected with this insecurity is pride, an inner desire to make oneself and one's agenda heard in order to compensate for the insecurity. Pride often comes out externally through our mouths, while insecurity hides itself in the internal reaches of our hearts.

Insecure pride can manifest itself in all kinds of ways:

• Loudly and brashly sharing one's opinions in conversations in order to feel significant or heard.
• Not inviting any input on decisions that affect multiple people; ignoring criticism or feedback, especially from peers.
• Offering unsolicited input and advice, especially to other leaders, then being personally hurt or offended if they don't go with your idea.
• Choosing not to speak up around other leaders due to an insecure fear of being wrong or uncertain.
• Choosing not to speak up around other leaders due to a prideful smugness that says, "no one else here could understand my awesome ideas."
• Storing up bitterness against those who don't think like you do; speaking of them sarcastically or negatively when they're not around.
• Often makes comparisons between themselves and other leaders.
• Knee-jerk reaction is self-preservation and defensiveness.
• Failure is not an option.

There is a healthier alternative paradox in leadership: the paradox of humble confidence. Humility comes from a realistic view of oneself in light of the grace given us in Christ. The word originates from the Latin "humus," meaning "earth, dirt." It is knowing and embracing the reality that we are dust. We're just dirt that God infused with spirit. Connected with this humility is a confidence in one's vocational calling and identity. A confident leader finds their identity in Christ, seeing themselves as a child of God, deeply loved and called to His mission.

Here's' the reality: we're loved dust. We're the kid covered in mud and filth, yet smiling because we have a good Father who cares for us, no matter what. This Christ-based identity allows His love to foster a confidence in Him, knowing we are created in His image and any gifts, strength, or opportunities we have are a demonstration of His grace in our lives. We are free to lead from our own sense of security in Christ, recognizing that the people around us, the one's we're leading, are also beloved children of God and bearers of His image.

Humble confidence looks like this:

• Quietly yet firmly sharing one's opinions when one discerns that they need to be shared for the benefit and encouragement of others and the accomplishment of the mission.
• Inviting honest feedback and evaluation; willing to be held accountable.
• Has a posture of listening and a desire to hear one's story; offering advice comes from a desire to encourage and strengthen others.
• Choosing not to speak up around other leaders due to discerning spirit that is leading towards silence and contemplation in that moment.
• Seeing the good in others, even ones who don't think like you, knowing they are created in the image of God; finding at least one thing to praise in another person.
• Doesn't have time for comparisons due to an intense focus on the mission they feel called to pursue.
• Knee-jerk reaction is self-sacrifice for the sake of others and the mission.
• Failure is an opportunity for growth.

Insecure pride comes from trying to form my identity and calling in myself and by myself. My success, my security, my hope--it's all on my own shoulders. It's a weighty burden to bear.

Humble confidence comes from forming my identity and calling outside of myself in Christ. Everything in life is recognized as grace, including my capacity and strengths and position as a leader. It's not about me or what I can do; it's about Him and what He's already done.

If I'm honest, I know I'm plagued by insecure pride in my life and leadership. The only way out is repentance, a looking outside of myself for transformation and fixing my focus on Christ and His mission instead of my personal agenda or success.

Which posture do you find yourself leading from today? Check your own heart.

(This post originally appeared at The Mayward Blog.)

Joel Mayward is a pastor, writer, husband, and father living in Langley, British Columbia. He’s been serving in youth ministry since 2003, and is currently the Pastor of Youth and Young Adult Ministries at North Langley Community Church. A writer for numerous youth ministry publications and author of Leading Up: Finding Influence in the Church Beyond Role and Experience, Joel writes about youth ministry, film, theology, and leadership at his blog, joelmayward.blogspot.ca.

Good Leaders Serve Twice

This past summer, our youth ministry had a bit of fun with slip-n-slide kickball and lots of laughter. The setup for an afternoon of fun always takes far longer than the fun itself; like waiting in line for the rollercoasters in a theme park, there's a long lead-up to a brief period of enjoyment.

As I tracked muddy tarps and picked broken camp pegs out of the dirt, I was deeply frustrated by the janitorial role. Soaked and tired, wet grass all over my hands, slowly picking up destroyed kiddie pools. This was nasty work. Was this really what I had signed up for when I chose ministry as a vocation? Then I remembered a phrase uttered by a college prof years ago: good leaders serve twice.

Leaders serve once in their calling and strengths and passions and vision. This is the leadership I signed up for--the vision-casting, the teaching and preaching, the brainstorming and dreaming, the praying for students, the life-giving conversations, even the messy counseling situations. I genuinely love my job and the tribe of youth ministry folks I get to interact with on a regular basis. Even on the hardest days, I just have to remember my calling and the lives being changed through Christ.

Leaders serve twice in their willingness to serve outside their "job description," strengths, and desires. I don't feel called to pick up water balloon scraps, or carry muddy tarps around a field, or pick up the half-eaten breakfast off the youth room floor. There's little in those activities that I find enjoyable or fulfilling, but they've gotta get done, and I'm the one in charge. A few students and youth leaders will help serve alongside me, but I'm leading them in the serving, not directing them to do the jobs I don't feel like doing.

In ministry, most of us didn't sign up for setting up the chairs, or throwing away students' half-drunk soda cans, or fixing blown tires on the church van, or any number of seemingly mundane and insignificant tasks. But we are called to serve, and true service means getting down and dirty. 

Jesus both preached magnificent sermons and washed people's dirty feet. He did both with the utmost willingness and humility. I'm still learning how to serve twice, to have an attitude of grace instead of resentment for the dirty tasks of ministry.

An earlier version of this post appeared on The Mayward Blog here.

Joel Mayward is a pastor, writer, husband, and father living in Langley, British Columbia. He’s been serving in youth ministry since 2003, and is currently the Pastor of Youth and Young Adult Ministries at North Langley Community Church. A writer for numerous youth ministry publications and author of Leading Up: Finding Influence in the Church Beyond Role and Experience, Joel writes about youth ministry, film, theology, and leadership at his blog, joelmayward.blogspot.ca.

The Gap Between Should and Is

This is a fascinating little video featuring some thoughts on the process of creativity from Ira Glass:

This "gap" goes beyond creating good art that matches our taste. Our view and understanding of our ministry experiences a similar divide, a gap between what we think ministry should be and what our ministry is.

When we're fresh and eager, like in our first year of ministry, we *know* what makes for a great youth ministry. But after experiencing enough bumps and bruises along the way--a group of critical parents, a student whose faith goes sideways, an unjust firing situation--many in the youth ministry tribe simply give up and leave, or become a bit cynical about ministry and Christianity. Leading in ministry--particularly leading up--requires tenacity and patience.

Take Ira Glass's advice to heart: When the gap between what should and what is seems impossible to navigate, keep doing the work of ministry.

Let me add one piece of wisdom to Ira's ideas: Don't just do the hard work of ministry alone--lean into the Lord for your strength and endurance.

(ht to Paul Martin for sharing the video)

Joel Mayward is a pastor, writer, husband, and father living in Langley, British Columbia. He’s been serving in youth ministry since 2003, and is currently the Pastor of Youth and Young Adult Ministries at North Langley Community Church. A writer for numerous youth ministry publications and author of Leading Up: Finding Influence in the Church Beyond Role and Experience, Joel writes about youth ministry, film, theology, and leadership at his blog, joelmayward.blogspot.ca.

Keep the Towel - Overcoming Discouragement in Ministry

A volunteer in our high school ministry once asked me, "how do you do it? How do you keep going in youth ministry when there are nights like this?" By this, he meant that it felt like his grade 9 boys small group had taken one step forward and twelve steps backward. Offensive jokes, constant distractions, and a serious lack of interest in anything related to the Bible or Jesus.

How do you keep going when it appears that nothing is working? Great question. It's one I wrestle with at least once a month. Well, maybe once a week. Okay, A LOT. We can start to feel beat up by ministry. Here are some thoughts that keep me going when I want to throw in the towel:

Remember your calling. When I am discouraged, I have to come back to the specific vocational calling God has revealed. It's not about me and my own frustrations; nor is it about about my personal triumphs. My motivation must stem from outside myself in the mission God has invited me to join. I think of the prophet Jeremiah. Called by God at a young age to be God's voice to His people, Jeremiah preached and prayed and prophesied for his entire life. The result? No one listened, the people continued their downward spiral into sin, and ultimately were dragged away into exile while Jerusalem burned. Was Jeremiah successful? Not by our standards. Zero converts, tons of sinners, and the building burned down. Was he faithful and obedient to the calling God gave him? Yes. That has to be the standard for success.

Define success in long-term holistic fruit. This is one of my ministry values. Trust God in the process of growth. He often works much slower than our fast-paced Internet-influenced minds would like. I cannot define my overall success in youth ministry by the immediate. I am not trying to create Godly teenagers; I am trying to foster Godly adults. I want them to be following Jesus decades from now, not just for one evening's discussion or when they participate in my program. So when one night goes really poorly--or really well--I must view it as a tiny piece in the larger picture. Remember: there's always next time.

Pace appropriately. The small group the volunteer leads is a group of grade 9 boys, and their delinquent actions were very congruent with all grade 9 boy stereotypes. In discipleship, we have to slow down and pace alongside someone in their spiritual journey. We must be present with them where they're at, even if we want them to be so much further along. Our expectations need to be high, but they also must be realistic. Discipleship for a grade 9 boy in high school is remarkably different than a first-year student in university.

Remember Jesus. He's the one who transforms hearts anyway. We are just guides ands curators along the journey. We pray that He would somehow work in and through us as conduits for His love and grace. Just look at His own disciples--they were a bunch of loud-mouth idiots who often misunderstood what He said and just plain didn't get it. Plus, one of them sold Him out to have Him killed, and they all abandoned Him in His darkest hour. These are the guys who ended up changing the entire world in the name of Christ. If the Son of God doesn't have a "perfect" record with His disciples, perhaps we can give ourselves a bit more grace.

Keep the towel. Don't give up on ministry with young people! 

What would you add? What keeps you going when you're discouraged in ministry? Share in a comment.

A version of this post originally appeared on The Mayward Blog here.

Joel Mayward is a pastor, writer, husband, and father living in Langley, British Columbia. He’s been serving in youth ministry since 2003, and is currently the Pastor of Youth and Young Adult Ministries at North Langley Community Church. A writer for numerous youth ministry publications and author of Leading Up: Finding Influence in the Church Beyond Role and Experience, Joel writes about youth ministry, film, theology, and leadership at his blog, joelmayward.blogspot.ca.

Married versus Single in Youth Ministry (Part 2: Obstacles)

Last week, we looked at the advantages of both marriage and singleness in youth ministry. Marriage and singleness are gifts from God, but they each have some unique obstacles, boundaries, and struggles.

Here are some ministry obstacles to being married:

-Your time and responsibilities are divided. Paul makes this claim in 1 Corinthians 7: "But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided." As a married man with two children under the age of 5, I can totally attest to this: to be a good dad and husband, I have to say "no" to certain ministry responsibilities or opportunities for the sake of my family. It's not that loving my family isn't "the Lord's work" (it absolutely is!), but it does mean that my time and energy and resources are split between more people. Even with finances, it becomes more difficult. When I was single, it didn't matter how much I was getting paid to do ministry; I was *getting paid* to do ministry! Now married and a father, I need to be thinking of how to take care of my family financially, meaning certain jobs and opportunities can't be pursued.

-"Affairs" with the ministry. Related to the divided interests, if a person in ministry is giving more of their time and energy to their youth ministry, they end up hurting their marriage and parenting, potentially causing resentment and spiritual struggles for their spouse and children. My wife pointed this out to me the other day: if I had any other job where I was overly committed, she and the kids could feel resentment towards that job or industry--if I was a banker, she could resent banking; if I was a filmmaker, she might not like movies as much. With ministry work, the difficulty is this: if my spouse and children resent my job due to my over-commitment, they end up resenting God, Christianity, and the church. It wasn't banking or filmmaking that made Daddy miss the special birthday or anniversary--it was God. This means that I need to have healthy boundaries and know when to step back from my ministry responsibilities for the sake of my family.

Here are some ministry obstacles to being single:

-Perception of being "less experienced" or "less mature." This one feels a bit unfair, but we know it's true. Some churches won't hire single people due to this perception, and at some point we've made this assumption about a single person in ministry. Even though the average age for getting married is on the rise (currently somewhere around 27 years old), and some of the greatest biblical heroes were single, many youth workers are perceived as less mature due to their single status, not to mention that our vocation involves hanging out with teenagers a lot. A single person simply cannot speak about marriage and parenting with the same level of experience. Marriage still remains a cultural marker for adulthood in our society, particularly within the Christian world.

-The potential awkwardness of dating. It could be difficult to be in youth ministry and pursue romantic interests, particularly if the person is part of your church or ministry. Your dating habits are on display for the teens you disciple, for better or for worse. If you break up with someone, it's a bit more public than other people. You're a model for Godly singleness, which carries a certain responsibility. (This is an even greater responsibility for married people, as you're an example of a Godly marriage.)

-No sex. Let's be honest: this is a bummer. There is a potential increase in loneliness and sexual temptation due to a lack of sexual intimacy and the "burning with desire" that Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 7. Not that married people can't struggle with these, but when the possibility of sexual intimacy is VERY limited for a single person, it's certainly an issue.

Whether you're married or single, consider your current relationship status a gift from God and a unique position for you to love young people in the name of Jesus!

Joel Mayward is a pastor, writer, husband, and father living in Langley, British Columbia. He’s been serving in youth ministry since 2003, and is currently the Pastor of Youth and Young Adult Ministries at North Langley Community Church. A writer for numerous youth ministry publications and author of Leading Up: Finding Influence in the Church Beyond Role and Experience, Joel writes about youth ministry, film, theology, and leadership at his blog, joelmayward.blogspot.ca.

Married versus Single in Youth Ministry (Part 1: Advantages)

Photo Credit: J. McPherskesen (Creative Commons)

Marriage is a gift. When God created Eve, Adam broke into song, and we have the first instance of human poetry:

“At last!” the man exclaimed. 

   “This one is bone from my bone,     

and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’  

   because she was taken from ‘man.’” 

This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. (Genesis 2:23-24, NLT)

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul writes this about marriage and singleness:

But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. 

I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. (1 Cor 7:7-8; 32-35, NLT)

Marriage is a gift. So is singleness. So how do these different gifts affect our calling in youth ministry? What are the advantages and disadvantages of each gift? And how can we steward these gifts for the glory of God?

This week, we'll look at the advantages and benefits of both marriage and singleness. Next week, we'll unpack the disadvantages and obstacles.

Here are some ministry advantages to being married:

-You have a partner in life and ministry. My wife is my biggest advocate, cheerleader, encourager, and source of wisdom in ministry. She can disciple young women infinitely better than I ever will. We also navigate everyday life together, and we'll always have someone who loves us and has our backs, even during the hard times in ministry. Doing this Jesus-following thing together is always better than doing it alone, and marriage is one of the best environments for sanctification.

-Perceived maturity and greater level of commitment. Whether we like it or not, in our Christian subculture there is a perceived maturity that comes with the status of marriage. A married 24-year-old is viewed differently than a single 24-year-old, and many churches and organizations are willing to give more responsibility to a married person than a single person. There is some truth behind this perception: a married person reveals they have the ability to make a commitment, to follow through on things, to work together on a team, and to navigate conflicts. Of course, there are mature and committed single people, and some great biblical examples (read: Jesus).

-Modeling healthy marriage and parenthood. The young people I disciple can look to my marriage and parenting as an example of a Godly marriage. Not that our marriage is perfect; that's the point, actually. We invite them to see us, flaws and all. Many in single-parent and divorced homes don't have great pictures of what a healthy marriage can look like, so offering stories and experiences can be a huge benefit for young people.

-Boundaries factor: my ring says "off limits." Where a young single guy or gal in ministry could send the wrong romantic signals to a teenager or young adult, my wedding ring and presence of my wife and children tells others that I'm not available. Sure, I still have to maintain healthy boundaries in my interactions and guard my heart and marriage; it's just simpler at times when I'm perceived as the old married guy, particularly with single young adults.

Here are some ministry advantages to being single:

-More availability. Being single means having less familial responsibilities, allowing for more freedom in the use of one's time and energy. A single person has a greater ability to be spontaneous and impulsive in the best sort of way. The students want to go see the midnight showing of that new movie? Done. Your adult volunteer team is having lunch after church services? I'm there. They need one more person to go on the missions trip to Uganda? Sign me up. Married people have their spouse's interests to consider. Like Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7, a single person can devote themselves to the ministry of the Lord without having their interests divided. Can you imagine Paul doing his missionary journeys with a family, either traveling with him or back at home in Israel somewhere?

-Modeling healthy singleness. As a married guy, I won't be able to model a healthy lifestyle of being single and content in the Lord. I can only speak from past experience, so it's really cool to have a volunteer leader in my ministry like Rachel, who recently wrote this awesome blog post for Converge Magazine. She's not perfect--she'd never claim to be--but she's doing her best to pursue God as young single woman, and that's a great example for the young women she is shepherding!

-Jesus was single. So, if you're single, you're more like Jesus! (Apart from the whole "church as the bride of Christ" metaphor.)

What are other advantages you can think of, either for married or singleness in youth ministry? Share them in a comment!

Joel Mayward is a pastor, writer, husband, and father living in Langley, British Columbia. He’s been serving in youth ministry since 2003, and is currently the Pastor of Youth and Young Adult Ministries at North Langley Community Church. A writer for numerous youth ministry publications and author of Leading Up: Finding Influence in the Church Beyond Role and Experience, Joel writes about youth ministry, film, theology, and leadership at his blog, joelmayward.blogspot.ca.

The Greatest Disqualifier in Youth Ministry: Lack of Preparation

Image Credit: Values.com

When I was in Boy Scouts, they had a motto that stemmed from the founder, Robert Baden-Powell:

Be prepared.

It meant to be at the ready in both mind and body to do one's duty, having the discipline and wherewithal to know the right thing to do at the right moment, and have the right skills and mindset to actually...you know...do it. (I was never a great Scout. I'd just giggle every time someone said "duty.")

I was recently talking with a friend about the various struggles we face in youth ministry, and the following statement came tumbling out of my mouth:

"The greatest disqualifier for legitimacy in youth ministry is a lack of preparation."

I said it as a passing comment, but it stuck in my mind.

Organizationally, many in youth ministry have the reputation of "winging it." Through making last minute requests, turning in forms and request past deadlines, and having poor budgeting and calendaring skills, a person with a great heart for people loses traction due to slapdash methodologies.

Emotionally and relationally, a number of leaders in youth ministry burn out due to lack of healthy boundaries, inability to deal with criticism, or the drain of carrying others' burdens on their own shoulders. They weren't prepared to handle the emotional weight of ministry, and buckled under the load. Perhaps they weren't prepared with healthy boundaries, and fell into sexual sin and temptation.

Spiritually, we too often become branches disconnected from the vine of Christ, trying our best to be spiritual leaders without finding regular rest and rejuvenation in the One who gives us abundant life.

I wonder if our tribe's lack of preparation is connected to an inadequate vision of one's duty.

Let me unpack that.

Our duty--our calling from God into ministry as shepherds and spiritual guides and disciple-makers and teachers and leaders--stems from God, and God alone. When I am relying on my own strength and energy and efforts to accomplish ministry tasks and functions, I begin to lose perspective on what matters most and who God has created me to be. When I am humbled and must rely on God for His strength and wisdom and grace, I'm reenergized to dive back into who God has created me to be and what He's created me to do, and to prepare accordingly. 

I can only prepare if I know who I am and where I'm headed, what I'm supposed to be doing in the first place. If I'm a hockey player, I show up to the game prepared with a certain set of skills and equipment. Those are very different skills and equipment if I'm going to play basketball. Or practice guitar. Or preach a sermon. Or lead a small group discussion. Or sit across from a student in a coffee shop and just be present with them.

2 Timothy 4:2 says to be prepared in season and out of season. For what? Preaching the Word of God; correction, rebuke, and encouragement, with great patience and careful instruction. This doesn't just mean "stand on a stage and preach a message." It requires a knowledge and love of Scripture that soaks into our minds and hearts and leaks out in our everyday lives. Spiritual disciplines and practices matter--they're called practices because they're meant for training, rehearsing, polishing the rough edges of our souls. When we're not practiced and prepared, when we've forgotten to hone the skills and bring the right equipment, when we ignore our identity and vocation, we disqualify ourselves from effective ministry with others.

So youth ministry tribe: let's strive to be prepared, in season and out of season, to do our duty with those we're called to shepherd and love in the name of Jesus. 

And let's make sure to giggle every single time someone says "duty." It's our...well...duty.

What do you think? Agree or disagree with my statement? What practices are you trying to stay prepared in youth ministry?

--
Joel Mayward is a pastor, writer, husband, and father living in Langley, British Columbia. He’s been serving in youth ministry since 2003, and is currently the Pastor of Youth and Young Adult Ministries at North Langley Community Church. A writer for numerous youth ministry publications and author of Leading Up: Finding Influence in the Church Beyond Role and Experience, Joel writes about youth ministry, film, theology, and leadership at his blog, joelmayward.blogspot.ca.

Leading Up - Self-Differentiation

The best book on leadership I've read in the past five years is Edwin Friedman's A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. The biggest concept I learned from Friedman is the concept of self-differentiation. Friedman describes differentiation as "the capacity to be one's own integrated aggregate-of-cells person while still belonging to, or being able to relate to, a larger colony."

Check out this 6-minute video about self-differentiation before reading further.

So why does self-differentiation matter in youth ministry and church leadership?

Because we're part of the Body of Christ. 

We're cells in the body, using our unique gifts and strengths in order to grow and thrive as we realize our innate identity in Christ. There are also plenty of "viruses" and "emotional triangles" in the local church. Self-differentiated leaders can withstand the anxiety and dysfunction of these viruses and emotional triangles, choosing to love and offer patience and grace. By simply being a patient and gracious person, this begins the slow process of moving from a culture of fear and anxiety to truth and love. 

It's learning to love our neighbour as we love ourselves. If we don't view and love ourselves just as Christ views and loves us, we are incapable of leading and loving others in His name.

It's leadership from who you are, not by what you do. Embrace your identity as Christ's beloved.

Joel Mayward is a pastor, writer, husband, and father living in Langley, British Columbia. He is the author of Leading Up: Finding Influence in the Church Beyond Role and Experience. Joel loves youth ministry, movies, the church, and theology, and he writes about all of it at his blog.

Leading Up - Leaders are Listeners

"They were talking the loudest and not sitting around."

This was the (slightly paraphrased) response to the question I had posed to the large group of high school students. Our missions team had just completed an experiential learning exercise involving "islands" set up in our worship centre, 2x6 wooden planks, and loads of frustration. We were headed to two locations, yet wanted to emphasize that we are one team, two locations. The islands exercise had revealed a lot about the team dynamics but this particular statement struck me.

The question I had asked: who were the leaders, and how could you tell?

The response I heard perfectly fits the definition of a "leader" in the North American church--they're sharing what they think and they're on the move. They have the vision, the ideas, and the gumption to make some of those visionary ideas happen. And this is how Jesus led, right? After all, he would teach people often, authoritatively sharing his gospel of the kingdom and moving people to repentant action. He could draw the crowds without a Twitter account or a state-of-the-art building.

To be honest, this is how I often view my own leadership. I'm called to lead and shepherd those God has place in my life, meaning I'm supposed to...well...talk. The leaders are the loudest. While this is partially true, I wonder if it misses a central part of servant leadership that we see evident in Scripture.

Leaders are listeners. Yes, leaders communicate vision, share ideas, and are proactive and engaged in their world. Yet the strongest leaders I've encountered are leaders who humbly listen to others, who seek silence and solitude, who think before they act, who are curious as to what God is doing in any given moment. Leaders are learners, and learners must be able to listen well.

One aspect of our experiential learning exercise was placing limitations on certain individuals; some couldn't talk, others were blind-folded, still others were essentially mute and paralyzed. The supposed leaders in the group were the ones jumping onto islands, moving planks around, yelling orders to other team members. Yet without choosing to stop and listen first, they were inadvertently leaving others behind. The mute couldn't speak up. The blind couldn't see. They needed someone to take a moment and be present with them before moving ahead with the plan. 

When a leader leaves others behind, they are essentially leaving themselves behind. They'll find themselves alone, wondering why no one is following.

In this TED talk from American four-star general Stanley McChrystal, he talks about the need for leaders to be able to listen and learn, building shared purpose in a diversity of generations and demographics. In a rapidly changing world filled with new technology, new language, and new experiences, leaders have to be able to slow down and listen well. There are a ton of implications here for leaders in the church, and I'd encourage you to take 15 minutes to hear this military leader's wisdom.

"I came to believe that a leader isn't good because they're right. They're good because they're willing to learn and to trust."

It doesn't matter if your ideas are right if you haven't built the trust and relational equity to lead others. That requires listening, not for the sake of manipulation or waiting to get your own ideas heard, but because you humbly recognize that others are valuable, that they have a story to share. Henri Nouwen, a Catholic priest and gifted communicator, once wrote the following:

The Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self. That is the way Jesus came to reveal God’s love.

If you're leading in the church, whether as paid staff, an elder on a board, a key volunteer, or simply as a parent or mentor, may you begin to listen both to those you are leading and to the Spirit who is leading you.

(A version of this post originally appeared here)

Joel Mayward is a pastor, writer, husband, and father living in Langley, British Columbia. He is the author of Leading Up: Finding Influence in the Church Beyond Role and Experience. Joel loves youth ministry, movies, the church, and theology, and he writes about all of it at his blog.