Girls Dating Older Men

I just heard on the news today about a teacher who was having an inappropriate relationship with a teenage girl. Why?? Why do girls date older men? Why do men date younger girls? This is an issue that needs attention as many teenage girls do not see dating an older man as a problem . How do you tackle this subject with your girls?

FIRST, WHY DO THEY DO IT?

1. (The simple answer) Boys their own age are immature. It’s true teenage girls mature faster their male counter parts. “The boys in my class are so immature!” If girls are interacting more frequently with males who are older such as male youth leaders, their older brother's friends this type of exposure makes girls much more aware of the chasm between their peers and older men. Not to mention the conversations boys have amongst themselves about the longest pee, or the crotch shot of the day can provoke and inspire girls to look up the age ladder.

2. When girls do not have a strong father figure in their life, there is a greater draw to older men. Many will deny it. Personally I thought it was a general statement I didn’t fully believe it until I hear stories from girls whose dad replaced them with another family. These girls are are dating men who are over 10 years older than them. There is something to that.

3. It’s a Love Story. The majority of girls are drawn to romance. To date an older man is a story out of the pages of a romance novel. It’s a rush. It’s attractive. I’ve watched girls giggle and fantasize about this older guy who is 19 who gave them his picture. While she shows it to her friends she feels pretty special plus her social status has increased. This older guy sees something in her. The whole idea is totally dreamy, imagine, sneaking around, the secrets, the lies, being in his car, the passion…yep, that makes for a juicy journal entry.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Girls don’t know. They are living in dream world in their mind. Bring them back to reality with the following thought provoking questions and facts.  

Q. What does an older man have in common with a young teenage girl? (Let them answer but your response will be…) NOTHING!!!

Can the two connect on an intellectual level?  What about on an emotional level?  If he is 28 and she is 15. THEY SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO CONNECT. If they can, then he is not intellectually and emotionally all there, something is wrong. If something is wrong with him, then girl is dating a guy who is mentally not well or emotionally unstable. Reality check, that’s not Romantic!

Q. Oh wait but what if he is mentally and emotionally sound, he’s in University getting a degree, then what? My next questions would be, “Are you having sex with him?”

If they’ve been together for beyond 6 months and they have not had sex. Then I recant; he could be the exception to the rule unless he’s a pimp grooming her… to pay his way through school? That’s messed up but who knows? Listen to her story to find out. However, if they are having sex, please tell your young miss, that the first principle still applies, older man have nothing in common with a young teenage girl. This University guy is not with her for her brains he’s there for one reason. Easy sex.

FACT: The Moment A Girl Is Dating An Older Man She Is Now Out Of Her League And Over Her Head. He Knows Too Much Which Makes Her Very Vulnerable And Susceptible To Manipulation.

Youth Pastor teen girls don’t realize that because an older guy has more life experiences, he knows what makes a girl swoon or melt in his hands. He can use this knowledge to his advantage.

For example: Guys know that if they blow on a girl’s neck at a certain spot, she relaxes. They know what words and look to use to get a girl to forgive him or kiss him. Guys know that when a girl is playing with her hair it means she likes him. Experienced guys know that if a girl smokes pot she will become more sexually active. That’s right she loosens up letting her guard down. Older guys know how to manipulate the emotions of a naïve female. It’s not as easy with their own peers but a girl who is 10 years younger than him or a 16 year old dating an 18-year-old guy…Easy.

FACT: He Can Be Charged. 

Guys need to know this too. The consequences of dating an underage girl are severe!! The penalties can include the following:

·      Imprisonment

·      A criminal record

·      No longer able to volunteer with minors. That includes camp, coaching a sports team,

·      Limits his job choice.  Cannot be involved in any social work, or be a teacher, law enforcement to name a few due to the vulnerable check that reveals any accusations brought forth.

·      Cannot be a foster parent or adopt a child

·      Will not be able to cross the border internationally

·      If any of their conversations online were of a sexual nature, He will not be able to have access to the Internet unsupervised. That means he may have to quit his job if it involves a computer and the Internet.

·      If he has a child who is a minor he cannot be left alone with his own child unsupervised.

This is not a game or a romance novel. Girls need to know that this is real life and in dating an older man she can really mess up his life and her own life! Your young men need to be aware that even if the underage girl aggressively pursued him, if she is a minor, no charges will be laid on her but he will feel the full wrath of the law.  

If your girls feel that guys their own age are too immature, encourage them to not date but to wait till they have grown up a bit.  Encourage them, have some of your leaders testify of their growing up. Girls need to spend time discovering who they are rather than trying to figure out what their boyfriend is thinking. The teen years are for that. Also Girls who date older men bypass their teen years. They are forced to grow up quickly as they have to act mature when they are around him and his peers. Older men who are sexually active have more complex needs and requests that no teen girl ought to be positioned in.  I tell girls, ‘Sex complicates things. Keep it simple. You are a teen for 7 years after that you’ll have the rest of your life to date men over 20.’

*Before having this talk with girls, I recommend being informed about The Age of Consent. Is it alright for a 13 year old to have sex with a 15 year old? The link has a diagram with the answer to that question.

The Founder of the Young Woman of Power (YWOP) Conference, Alison develops programs that are designed to build girls confidence such as the YWOP PivotFWD workshop which she delivers in Calgary’s Youth Judicial System. Alison’s heart for young women is to see the statistics of violence against women decrease and to see females become counter culture/culturally dangerous by growing in true confidence. For more info or to book Alison as a speaker visit www.ywop.ca